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A Introduction

Parenting is far from easy, this much is fact.  But then you add in complications.  That said I guess I will start at the beginning so you have a rough idea whom I am, my family is, n why this blog has come to me.

May 2012, yes that long ago I did a pregnancy test, I remember it vividly sat in the bathroom of a high street department store, peeing on a stick, and then waiting, the wait that appeared to take an eternity, whilst not the most glamorous of settings it served its intended purpose BUT their was a issue, I am legally blind, have been since March 2010.  I couldn’t see a line let alone two on said test, so ended up Whatsapping a photo of said test to a friend who knows whom she is and asking her what she could see!  The outcome being those 2 lines are now a human called Jemima who will be 6 years young in January.

That is the crux: now to the more complex aspects of why I have opted to set up a blog.

I am many things yet nothing, I am someone yet something, I live with and deal with a lot, far more than many actually could or try to comprehend and that impacts on every element of my being.

I am a solo parent, all be it dating an incredible human called Chris.  

I am a human of lived experience, which includes but doesn’t just include as to list all would bore you to tears n pain my hands to type:

Bipolar Disorder

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Fibromialgia

ME

and have I mentioned I am blind. 

Alongside all this I also happen to be Gender Fluid, Pansexual and Jewish.

Whilst this blog will cover a lot including my day to day life, it may also let you the reader into darker aspects of my being, as earlier this year I was raped twice in 6 days by someone whom was at the time a friend, his actions resulted in me loosing my Mental Wealth and ending up in a dark hole of Mental Illness once more.  I am now left failed by the system as have had the police tell me due too lack of witnesses and or CCTV they can’t take the case Luther, no support from the Community Mental Health Trust ie NHS I am having to self fund private Trauma Therapy – if you  can spare anything itd mean a lot https://www.gofundme.com/ysq7wx-trauma-therapy

So settle down, take a seat, and come on a journey as I attempt to process my head via the medium of blogging

Chris holding Jemima and then me next to them taken at The Deep during October 2018 Half Term
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Hair Got Dyed Last Week

For the past 3ish years my hair has been various blues, purples n pinks but last week I got bored.

Chris kindly had a few spare spoons so bleached my hair then added a mix of the shades Fire and Tangerine by a company called Directions once the bleach was out n the result is incredible

So bright n vibrant

Here is a photo

Well ok it is a collage of different views of my hair.

We deliberately avoided my roots as scalp still recovering from the burns it suffered just before Christmas (2018) from a salon in the city centre who still wont respond to my complaint n have blocked me on Facebook n ignore my phone calls with excuse after excuse why the manager can’t take my call yet had no qualms when inflicting said issues to me pre Xmas time.

I will try them again this week n if again they fail to respond il once more try hold them to account online n if that fails once Iv regained some spoons go in in person n rip them a new one in person!

In the meantime Chris is my safe human n wish he knew just how safe even at nearly 5am he enables me to feel; knowing he cares unconditionally is worth far more than I can express and explain in this blog n as he said a few hours ago “we are a team n will get through what life throws at us as a team”

I Said No!

I am a lover of live music, it makes me come alive, enables me a safe outlet to my emotions and enables me to feel.

But on Saturday I said NO.

A couple of years ago at Bicon I went to a workshop which to this day is probably the most profound workshop I have attended at Bicon as it was on learning to say no and that it is ok to say no to things and people just have to well deal with the fact you have said no and respect it.

The tickets for this gig were booked a year ago with a good friend, but the gig ended up rescheduled.

I spent the majority of last week in a bad place mentally and physically my body didn’t know if it was coming or going with pain levels and my head was fragile to say the least. Avoided self injury as Chris was home from work for the week, ironically signed off with stress and exhaustion but spent most the week looking out for me as I was a mess.

As it got closer to Saturday my anxiety intensified, but on Thursday I think it was I bit the bullet, sent a text to the friend I was meant to go to the gig with and simply said “am so sorry but going to have to bail as not up to it, and as the tickets are in my name and non transferable unfortunately will mean you can no longer attend the gig, hope you wont be mad at me”. Said friend didn’t seem bothered either way, at least that was the impression I got from his reply to my message.

I feel guilty buying tickets for a gig I never made it to but on balance know it is ok to say no to things even when they’re things I have looked forward to as I can’t put a price or value to my health and that matters far more than music. Their will always be another gig but they’re is only one attempt at health.

It is not easy to say no, it is harder to hear it from someone at times, but it is worth putting yourself first as you matter and to hell with the consequences as you are number one no one else.

Side note Bicon 2019 is booked and I CAN’T WAIT FOR MY 4 DAYS OF HUMANS WHO ACTUALLY GET ME AND I DON’T HAVE TO MASK ANYTHING COS BICON HUMANS ARE THE BEST HUMANS I HAVE COME ACROSS IN LIFE

Why Today Anxiety?

[yesterday Jemima turned 6 photo of her at dinner last night blowing a candle out on her cake]

Mental Illness you are a bastard; it is 8am my alarm is set for 9am yet for the last 3 hours uv been hyper vigilant of everything which culminated in a panic attack!

Fuck you! Mental Illness today is Mima’s party with some of her close friends I refuse to allow you the power to ruin yet more what should be happy times for us as a family!

Please just allow me this day to enable I remember for the right reasons all the fun Jemima and her friends have and don’t steal from me more as you have previously

Titleless Poem Written at 430am 24 January 2019

Nameless Poem I wrote at 430am and read during the training today:

Slipping through the shadows of yesteryear,
emotions heightened and senses overwhelmed.
Whomever said “the past can no longer harm” is clearly unfamiliar with the paralysation and excruciating pain of a body memory
Not to mention the fragility of when lines blur, and worlds collide.

“Live and let live, try move on”
Far too easy to say by you, 
when my head stutters and stumbles whilst I fumble to attempt to live let alone try to move on,
Knowing a high is long overdue but then inevitable crash will occur,
Determined, it wont result in backward steps

this journey is emotional, irrational, anxiety provoking, physically fatiguing,
But I must continue to hobble if for no other reason that 
I survived it all at the time when it occurred,
Body memories do cause pain,
but negligible to all caused at the time,

I might be perceived as brave, strong,
battered and bruised
and this might be me,
Yet I know before you speak,
I must keep speaking out ,
when my brain enables me to remember
as I long to reclaim life once more

Just so you can wait and watch in awe, as soon Il be ready,
to take all by storm

Well That Was Not To Be

So, yeah um that was shit. Actually shit has a purpose n that wasn’t.

Went to view a 2 bed ground floor flat, except yeah it smelt like damp, and someone had died in it was vile! mould but no idea where from. Needs flooring, needs a modernisation to kitchen and bathroom urgently, both bedrooms and living room are vastly smaller than here, BUT it has a garden.

I am not safe here, am yet to spend a night here along with Mima haven’t since the end of May n as it is my anxiety is sky high as Chris has to work nights tomoro (tues, wed n thurs) this week n I only found out today, so dread is filling me already.

Why is renting in LS17 unachievable privately and in turn am penalised due to being long term disabled n thus have to rely on benefits to pay rent, which most non housing association properties wont accept, not to mention the lack of housing association properties available in LS17 that are fit to purpose for our needs. Yet another reminder that I feel like I have failed, yes I did the stereotypical things of get married (And divorced) got a degree, had a child but now I have the child, I have the degree, yes I have a fit for purpose roof over my head with ample space but not a roof that makes me feel safe

Id love to just up and move somewhere new start afresh, total clean state BUT Jemima is happy, she has friends (although cept a select few playdates are rare) she is in a good school at which she is thriving in all areas

To think a year ago if ud told me how severe and enduring my mental ill health would be and it would return with such a bang id have thought you were the crazy one not me, is another reminder that it is in 4 months time a year since this nightmare begun and yet he still has the power and control, due to negligence n mass failings from the system letting me down.

Anger isn’t right for how I feel, nor is abandoned, nor is upset, nor is hurt, overwhelmed engulfed, trapped, caged, freedom and liberty removed, merely functioning but putting a smile on my face as that is what is expected of me as a parent, when in reality I need to curl up be held and cry,

I need ground floor, I need it for my health long term, but I need space for a child who is soon to be 6 and only going to get bigger not smaller.

Thanks Mel for coming with n dealing with the elephant in the room with me. x

School Runs – Love Hate?

Photo was taken this afternoon by my 5 year old on our walk home from school,I have my long cane in my hand and her book bag has been flumped on the path.

Love it or hate it school runs are one of those things as a parent at some point the majority of us find ourselves stuck with.

I am very fortunate that for the most part on a morning my dad will take Jemima for me, and on a afternoon my mum will collect her, thus saving me valuable spoons as her school is about a miles walk, yes their is a bus service but it is unreliable and cabs as a round trip just to get there and back let alone twice a day would be approx £10 so is financially not viable. It is times like this I despise being visually impaired as means I am unable to have the luxury of being able to drive a car.

On a Wednesday my parents aren’t around in the afternoon so it is down to me, so time to ensure I am adequately dressed so I don’t either over heat or freeze, gotta love auto immune systems that are defunct and fail to work on top.

I digress, I don’t like the school run as well a) getting to school means crossing a couple of major roads, yes their are crossings, but today for example some moron decided to wait till I was literally half way across the road and then sped up and got literally mm from my cane tip! Seriously sighted humans what is with the stupid? or are you just plain ignorant? b) I hate the making small talk with other parents, as they are all so cliquey, yes a few are tolerable but is that due to taking pity on me due to multiple disabilities or cos they give a shit? Example last year when I had a breakdown etal “let us know if you need anything” 30 people said it well families yet how many could I actually rely on? oh yeah the usual suspects of 4 different families, the rest you ask? full of excuses and abilst nonsense! So I quit asking as it saved the anxiety of will they actually do it out of pity or cos they want to do the right thing?! c) their is the waiting around as the class finishes 15:30 but can guarentee the teacher wont open the door till closer to 15:35 so I am stood wobbly legged leaning on my cane for support and praying I don’t go kersplat and make a dufus of myself once again.

On the other hand, I love the walk home with my daughter, listening to her day, her wisdom of “no don’t go that way some unkind human has left a bin in the way n you will walk into it”. A precious bit of time without technology and to talk, but also reminds me she is growing up rather quickly (she is 6 on the 26th of January) and to me she is still a newborn nestled against me seeking my breast to nourish on.

New Years

We had no plans for New Years so opted to go away for New Years. We went to The Dalmeany in Lytham St Annes, for a well deserved and much needed break and rest.

Chris and I both had a massage which was utter bliss and Jemima had a wonderful time in the kids club. So a relaxing time for us all. We failed at a walk on the promenade as it was rather cold and windy, so Chris and I had a impromptru date morning to Costa one of the mornings whilst Jemima enjoyed watching a film with other small humans.

I had a lovely swim whilst Chris had a sneaky nap and Jemima had more time with new friends playing with Hamma Beads for the first time, she made a beautiful butterfly which was in rainbow colours and is now probably buried in a suitcase that I am yet to unpack and wash the clothing within.

Jemima made us very proud on the 1st evening in the disco by preforming the dance she had learnt at school to Circle of Life, and was trying her hardest to teach the moves to a couple of other small humans.

It was beautiful to have a few days of family time, just to relax and do as we wanted with no pressure to be anywhere for a set time or do anything by a certain time.

It was a little frustrating that the New Years Eve Buffet was what appeared to be left overs from the previous night so wasn’t really anything special but we were put on a table with a little girl who Jemima had become friends with so the kids liked that they were allowed to sit together and talk as they ate.

Chris and I even managed to hit Happy Hour and have a couple of sneaky drinkies whilst Jemima had fun without us decorating cakes in the kids club.

Me and Jemima sat in 1 chair Chris sat in another on New Years EVe
Myself, Jemima and Chris sat in the Reception Lobby of the hotel on New Years Eve