I am a lover of live music, it makes me come alive, enables me a safe outlet to my emotions and enables me to feel.
But on Saturday I said NO.
A couple of years ago at Bicon I went to a workshop which to this day is probably the most profound workshop I have attended at Bicon as it was on learning to say no and that it is ok to say no to things and people just have to well deal with the fact you have said no and respect it.
The tickets for this gig were booked a year ago with a good friend, but the gig ended up rescheduled.
I spent the majority of last week in a bad place mentally and physically my body didn’t know if it was coming or going with pain levels and my head was fragile to say the least. Avoided self injury as Chris was home from work for the week, ironically signed off with stress and exhaustion but spent most the week looking out for me as I was a mess.
As it got closer to Saturday my anxiety intensified, but on Thursday I think it was I bit the bullet, sent a text to the friend I was meant to go to the gig with and simply said “am so sorry but going to have to bail as not up to it, and as the tickets are in my name and non transferable unfortunately will mean you can no longer attend the gig, hope you wont be mad at me”. Said friend didn’t seem bothered either way, at least that was the impression I got from his reply to my message.
I feel guilty buying tickets for a gig I never made it to but on balance know it is ok to say no to things even when they’re things I have looked forward to as I can’t put a price or value to my health and that matters far more than music. Their will always be another gig but they’re is only one attempt at health.
It is not easy to say no, it is harder to hear it from someone at times, but it is worth putting yourself first as you matter and to hell with the consequences as you are number one no one else.
Side note Bicon 2019 is booked and I CAN’T WAIT FOR MY 4 DAYS OF HUMANS WHO ACTUALLY GET ME AND I DON’T HAVE TO MASK ANYTHING COS BICON HUMANS ARE THE BEST HUMANS I HAVE COME ACROSS IN LIFE