Tag: self injury

How NOT To Remove Mental Staples

Posted on by parentingwithaddedchallenges

So last week I self injured, today I had to return to my GP’s to have the medical staples removed by the practice nurse, thankfully I am not foolish enough to go alone as know from years ago how insensitive and discriminatory these appointments all too often are, but had hoped given prior to this year it had been 13 n bit years since I had self injured times had changed. My previous injuries this year have been removed by the wonderful Harrogate hospital whom even give me Entenox when removing and work at a pace that works for me.

My friend Daniel was with me, as he has been for many appointments, the nurse asked him to sit down on a chair in one of those tones of voice that screamed school teacher, he refused and insisted on staying in reach so I could squeeze his hand which was much required and a blessing.

Daniel calmly informed the nurse, “Lea has Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder along with a host of other Mental Ill Health conditions before you even get to their physical health needs and being blind, informing you so that you are aware” nurse “that’s nice I have been doing this longer than you two have been alive kinda attitude. Instantly got both my back up and Daniels and she proceeded to take staples out.

General best practice would be count the staples and inform patient prior to removing each, so patient knows how many left etc, nope she failed to do this. I asked STOP as was being triggered, her reply “well make another appointment then I only have 10 minutes, I zoned out a little but was with it enough to detect her sinister tone and that me as the patient didn’t matter and she had a job to do and screw the impact on my already fragile health.

Again Daniel requested she stopped a moment, giving me time to breathe, she huffed and puffed at doing so, before trying to once more resume before we were ready and in a stable head space to allow her.

Once all staples out she went to find an adhesive dressing despite us stating clearly just melolin and micropore will be sufficient due to my allergies to adhesives. So we settled for nothing and redressed it once back at my home.

I did however fill out a complaint form about the nurse and her attitude and how it was going against everything the NICE Guidelines Into Self Harm set out to achieve when they were produced. In term of treating the patient as the expert in their own care and also giving them control to maintain dignity and respect. If by filling out the form of complaint ensures one person is treated with more empathy n dignity than I was shown today it would not have been filled out in vain.

A Realisation Of Sorts

Posted on by parentingwithaddedchallenges

This blog may end up being deleted as it sure as hell is going to be a hard one to write, that is if I hit the “publish” button after I have out poured onto the screen.

My dad and I have always had a challenging relationship to say the least, he is short tempered and lacks patience, doesn’t express emotion towards me unless it is negative and has a guard up the vast majority of the time.

As a teen I can recall being sat in front of my then Psychiatrist, who was a wonderful kind woman but she would regularly despair as had no idea what to suggest to try reach me, to help me, to fix me. But anyways back to that meeting, I was about 13 sat colouring mindlessly as dad was having a rant about he saw no benefit of the family therapy sessions as I was “ignoring” and “daydreaming” “oblivious” to all being said n he was “loosing money” by not being at work, so why were we there in that room when it was surviving no positive purpose?

It is now with reflection a realisation dawned on me today, my dads mum whom whilst was present in my life for 21 years I know very little about, undoubtedly she lived with Holocaust survivors guilt and that resulted in what as a now 36 year old I can see how she saw and viewed and dealt with her world and no doubt reflected on her parenting of you and in turn some of that may have influenced you and how you choose to react to situations and or behaviours and parenting me as a whole. I do not blame you if it did, but a part of me longs for n wishes she had that daddy child relationship many friends had and do have, I crave it, I mourn for it, I need it even now as a adult, I am jealous of those whom have it as it something I have never had just seen others have and haliched for but never had despite my yearning for. And that is a hard and bitter pill to swallow

Fairly recently my brain is fog to when exactly you offered me a lift to the hospital following an episode of self injury, this was incredible, you had never not since my mid teens offered a lift, you sat there with me in the waiting room, you remained calm (I was confused as so unfamiliar with you calm) you just sat n read your kindle passing the odd comment to me, but that time was precious and I am cherishing, yes it was not the most ideal of settings, but it was quality time spent with you that was not confrontational and didn’t result in a argument or raised voices, by sitting their n waiting with me those few hours, you showed me love, you soothed part of me that craves your love, your affection and your care, but rarely had it as a child. Even now a a couple of months on from that it remains with me that you gave a shit to be there and wait with me and didn’t judge me based on my behaviour you just saw your child was injured and required medical assistance and you were able to give the comfort that I needed. Thank you. (yes I am crying and no I am not ashamed of that as I write this paragraph as in my teens when self injury was such a dominant force in my life, my dad would yell, hed scream, hed refuse to acknowledge the pain I was experiencing and the emotions that led to my behaviour instead just regard me as “attention seeking” or “if your gonna try kill yourself try harder” so to have unconditional support now as a adult meant then n even now means far more than I can put into words)

Yes we have our battles, but from now on I will pick them with more care as most are just not worth it..

Therapy

Posted on by parentingwithaddedchallenges

Due to events earlier this year (at the end of May/Start of June) I was raped twice within six days by the same person.   This person had spent nearly four years of his life obtaining my trust, he had relocated from down south to Yorkshire and set up a shop, I love to support and will continue to support independent food retailers instead of throwing money at high street mass supermarkets as love finding gems you can’t  find elsewhere.  Anyways as time passed he obtained a fair bit of information about me and my past, he was aware I am a survivor of past sexual violence and assault, he knew I walked from a marriage due to domestic violence and obtained a fair bit of other information about my past which had led to a then decline in mental wealth and emergence of mental illness.

He also knew I was earlier this year celebrating 13 years clean of self injury, something no one not even myself years ago would have thought was a possibility, but that was the reality THIRTEEN YEARS AND NINE DAYS clean is what I achieved,, I lasted, I refrained, even after all he did when he did what he did I held out a little while, with reflection not sure how but utter grit and determination saw me reach the milestone.

BUT due to his actions and me having a full on breakdown in mid June (2018) resulting in an admission to a psychiatric hospital and subsequent brief “support” and I use that word lightly from the Community Mental Health Trust (CMHT) who have subsequently discharged me for outstaying my welcome, I wasn’t aware of a time limit being on Mental Health but evidently they have one n I failed to reach it so they have once more washed their hands of me.

I fortunately ended up reaching out and finding a private therapist whom specializes in Trauma and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and she is a life line, a voice in the darkness of all of this, but sadly is not without cost, and due to that I had no option but to set up a fundraising page to enable me to pay her as I am a solo parent whom is expected to currently survive on benefits and therapy means going without so much to attempt to reclaim my mental wealth.  If you are able to help me with reclaiming my wealth itd mean a lot link is here

The system is broken, it needs a overhaul, my head is a very unpleasant place to be the vast majority of the time, so much not only mental wealth and abstinence from self injury was stolen by him when he raped me, too many things and causing too many far reaching aspects of my day to day life, that for the most part I feel like I am a small fragment of what I was and had worked so hard to become.

It is hard to ask for help, even harder when so called help gets thrown back in your face time and time again doors are closed, self injury occurs, whilst the physical is stitched and or stapled back together the long term remains a open gaped wound trying to self soothe and heal when life wants to pollute it once more.

Recovery is not going to be easy, but I am trying, some days I succeed just by getting out of bed and facing another human being for a conversation, others I hide and admit defeat, but I will keep trying to get there, to where I was, it is just going to take a long time.