Tag: parenting

Bi What?

Posted on by parentingwithaddedchallenges

This is a copy of a blog I wrote for a Bisexual Bipolar site which is new, but thought Id share here too:

Battling multiple identities can and is complex, there is always a niggle at the back of my head when meeting new people as to just how open about life to be.  Do they need to know my complicated history of mental ill health? Do they need to know I’m pansexual, gender fluid and polyam? It will become clear I’m a parent but does it need to be said out loud? Or are or is there a way of keeping these things contained, bit like the elusive round peg fitting snug in a round hole, only I am not a round peg and my life is far from a round hole, instead it is a star shaped peg trying its hardest to be transparent with life, as why hide what is intrinsic and by denying it to those whom matter is denying it to me.

Childhood plagued with attraction to humans, genitals or wanted genitals had no impact on the attraction, just people as a whole fascinated and still do send me off day dreaming to what could potentially be, and how will they perceive me?  Will they get to know the hyper, energiser bunny? Or the on the floor taking all energy just to sit and rock when the depths of depression creep in, whilst the whole time riding the wave of pansexuality and the non-conforming to heterosexual and monogamy idealogy.  As years passed names and terms begun to feature, they made sense, but bipolar why that, am I a bear disguised as a human, for I knew of human bears and fairly confident I don’t meet their requirements.  And Bisexual didn’t work as gender is a spectrum, certainly not binary so why make me choose a side to which my attraction lay?

Mid 20s, attending Bi-Con for the first time, realising hey its ok I am me, I am valid, and others like me exist, they will embrace me for me and to hell with mainstream society this is heaven on earth and I don’t want its tranquillity and self-care to end, only to be on a downer when it did, counting days till the next 4 days with epic humans who got the real me, unmasked and unfocused.

But then just as I found self-acceptance back into the closet I was forced, bolts on, rope shackled to failing limbs as parenting begun.  Asked at stay and plays “what does your husband do” whilst muttering to myself “rot in hell as he was a violent pig, feeble excuse of a human none I am glad to be shot of” hiding choosing not to disclose the then female with me was in fact my girlfriend at the time as the boy I was regularly with was also my boyfriend, how to explain this when raised as an Orthodox Jew, it’d certainly get the community talking for all the wrong reasons.

Time passed and we come to the present day, mental wealth is slowly once more rebuilding, a solid group of friends who get me for me, they embrace the star peg and avoid at all costs attempting to get it to conform, the summers bring solace and Bi-Con once more, my daughter is 6, aware her parent is hers, but different to many, yet due to the naivety and innocence of childhood takes it in her stride.

Life might be days of highs, weeks of lows, but the intrinsic fabric is there, no shits who knows, I am Lea, I am Pansexual, Polyam, Bipolar and won’t fit as a round peg in your hole for you nor anyone and for the most part I am loved and cared for by my chosen village and they are epic.

Why Today Anxiety?

Posted on by parentingwithaddedchallenges

[yesterday Jemima turned 6 photo of her at dinner last night blowing a candle out on her cake]

Mental Illness you are a bastard; it is 8am my alarm is set for 9am yet for the last 3 hours uv been hyper vigilant of everything which culminated in a panic attack!

Fuck you! Mental Illness today is Mima’s party with some of her close friends I refuse to allow you the power to ruin yet more what should be happy times for us as a family!

Please just allow me this day to enable I remember for the right reasons all the fun Jemima and her friends have and don’t steal from me more as you have previously

School Runs – Love Hate?

Posted on by parentingwithaddedchallenges
Photo was taken this afternoon by my 5 year old on our walk home from school,I have my long cane in my hand and her book bag has been flumped on the path.

Love it or hate it school runs are one of those things as a parent at some point the majority of us find ourselves stuck with.

I am very fortunate that for the most part on a morning my dad will take Jemima for me, and on a afternoon my mum will collect her, thus saving me valuable spoons as her school is about a miles walk, yes their is a bus service but it is unreliable and cabs as a round trip just to get there and back let alone twice a day would be approx £10 so is financially not viable. It is times like this I despise being visually impaired as means I am unable to have the luxury of being able to drive a car.

On a Wednesday my parents aren’t around in the afternoon so it is down to me, so time to ensure I am adequately dressed so I don’t either over heat or freeze, gotta love auto immune systems that are defunct and fail to work on top.

I digress, I don’t like the school run as well a) getting to school means crossing a couple of major roads, yes their are crossings, but today for example some moron decided to wait till I was literally half way across the road and then sped up and got literally mm from my cane tip! Seriously sighted humans what is with the stupid? or are you just plain ignorant? b) I hate the making small talk with other parents, as they are all so cliquey, yes a few are tolerable but is that due to taking pity on me due to multiple disabilities or cos they give a shit? Example last year when I had a breakdown etal “let us know if you need anything” 30 people said it well families yet how many could I actually rely on? oh yeah the usual suspects of 4 different families, the rest you ask? full of excuses and abilst nonsense! So I quit asking as it saved the anxiety of will they actually do it out of pity or cos they want to do the right thing?! c) their is the waiting around as the class finishes 15:30 but can guarentee the teacher wont open the door till closer to 15:35 so I am stood wobbly legged leaning on my cane for support and praying I don’t go kersplat and make a dufus of myself once again.

On the other hand, I love the walk home with my daughter, listening to her day, her wisdom of “no don’t go that way some unkind human has left a bin in the way n you will walk into it”. A precious bit of time without technology and to talk, but also reminds me she is growing up rather quickly (she is 6 on the 26th of January) and to me she is still a newborn nestled against me seeking my breast to nourish on.

New Years

Posted on by parentingwithaddedchallenges

We had no plans for New Years so opted to go away for New Years. We went to The Dalmeany in Lytham St Annes, for a well deserved and much needed break and rest.

Chris and I both had a massage which was utter bliss and Jemima had a wonderful time in the kids club. So a relaxing time for us all. We failed at a walk on the promenade as it was rather cold and windy, so Chris and I had a impromptru date morning to Costa one of the mornings whilst Jemima enjoyed watching a film with other small humans.

I had a lovely swim whilst Chris had a sneaky nap and Jemima had more time with new friends playing with Hamma Beads for the first time, she made a beautiful butterfly which was in rainbow colours and is now probably buried in a suitcase that I am yet to unpack and wash the clothing within.

Jemima made us very proud on the 1st evening in the disco by preforming the dance she had learnt at school to Circle of Life, and was trying her hardest to teach the moves to a couple of other small humans.

It was beautiful to have a few days of family time, just to relax and do as we wanted with no pressure to be anywhere for a set time or do anything by a certain time.

It was a little frustrating that the New Years Eve Buffet was what appeared to be left overs from the previous night so wasn’t really anything special but we were put on a table with a little girl who Jemima had become friends with so the kids liked that they were allowed to sit together and talk as they ate.

Chris and I even managed to hit Happy Hour and have a couple of sneaky drinkies whilst Jemima had fun without us decorating cakes in the kids club.

Me and Jemima sat in 1 chair Chris sat in another on New Years EVe
Myself, Jemima and Chris sat in the Reception Lobby of the hotel on New Years Eve

A Realisation Of Sorts

Posted on by parentingwithaddedchallenges

This blog may end up being deleted as it sure as hell is going to be a hard one to write, that is if I hit the “publish” button after I have out poured onto the screen.

My dad and I have always had a challenging relationship to say the least, he is short tempered and lacks patience, doesn’t express emotion towards me unless it is negative and has a guard up the vast majority of the time.

As a teen I can recall being sat in front of my then Psychiatrist, who was a wonderful kind woman but she would regularly despair as had no idea what to suggest to try reach me, to help me, to fix me. But anyways back to that meeting, I was about 13 sat colouring mindlessly as dad was having a rant about he saw no benefit of the family therapy sessions as I was “ignoring” and “daydreaming” “oblivious” to all being said n he was “loosing money” by not being at work, so why were we there in that room when it was surviving no positive purpose?

It is now with reflection a realisation dawned on me today, my dads mum whom whilst was present in my life for 21 years I know very little about, undoubtedly she lived with Holocaust survivors guilt and that resulted in what as a now 36 year old I can see how she saw and viewed and dealt with her world and no doubt reflected on her parenting of you and in turn some of that may have influenced you and how you choose to react to situations and or behaviours and parenting me as a whole. I do not blame you if it did, but a part of me longs for n wishes she had that daddy child relationship many friends had and do have, I crave it, I mourn for it, I need it even now as a adult, I am jealous of those whom have it as it something I have never had just seen others have and haliched for but never had despite my yearning for. And that is a hard and bitter pill to swallow

Fairly recently my brain is fog to when exactly you offered me a lift to the hospital following an episode of self injury, this was incredible, you had never not since my mid teens offered a lift, you sat there with me in the waiting room, you remained calm (I was confused as so unfamiliar with you calm) you just sat n read your kindle passing the odd comment to me, but that time was precious and I am cherishing, yes it was not the most ideal of settings, but it was quality time spent with you that was not confrontational and didn’t result in a argument or raised voices, by sitting their n waiting with me those few hours, you showed me love, you soothed part of me that craves your love, your affection and your care, but rarely had it as a child. Even now a a couple of months on from that it remains with me that you gave a shit to be there and wait with me and didn’t judge me based on my behaviour you just saw your child was injured and required medical assistance and you were able to give the comfort that I needed. Thank you. (yes I am crying and no I am not ashamed of that as I write this paragraph as in my teens when self injury was such a dominant force in my life, my dad would yell, hed scream, hed refuse to acknowledge the pain I was experiencing and the emotions that led to my behaviour instead just regard me as “attention seeking” or “if your gonna try kill yourself try harder” so to have unconditional support now as a adult meant then n even now means far more than I can put into words)

Yes we have our battles, but from now on I will pick them with more care as most are just not worth it..

Payback

Posted on by parentingwithaddedchallenges

A simple on the surface family activity, go to the Pantomime, it is that time of year, have fun, laugh, join in with the jest and be fortunate to go back stage afterwards and meet the stars of the show.

The reality for someone who is me, who lives with Fibromyalgia, ME, and other things today I have been exhausted, I am in radiating excruciating physical pain, I am lethargic, to the extent of I had a 3 hour sleep which is very rare for me this morning as I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer.

It sucks, no two ways about it, being a parent is exhausting even those whom are mentally, emotionally and physically well tell me it is, but when you add in to the blend Chronic Illness and being an empath and in tune that my partner is also struggling the pain feels all consuming and crushing, yet somehow I find a way to voice it, to describe it and to keep on living it.  Every single part of my body is heavy and hurts, simple actions taking far longer than they should, yes medication has been taken, and CBD has been vaped, but the fatigue and physical exhaustion remain.

Just irks me that a simple family activity leaves me like this once more and causes me to question so much.  We will continue to make family memories, to have good times and enjoy ourselves, just frustrates me that it all comes at cost to my body and tries to over shadow the positives of what we experience.

But hey a distraction is good and here is a photo from yesterday of my world, Jemima and Chris and I.

School, Accessibility, Doing It Right!

Posted on by parentingwithaddedchallenges

So often as a parent whom happens to be disabled I read of other parents in a similar situation find their small humans school neglect their needs as a parent, and it makes me experience a host of emotions.  Guilt being the central one when I analyse them, guilt because Jemima’s school have always asked me what as a disabled person I need from them, what they can improve on n what isn’t working.

Her spellings get emailed to me, letters instead of brought home emailed, she has a end of term play/assembly on Wednesday this week coming up (she is a giraffe) and her class teacher has tonight yes on a Saturday at 8.20pm emailed me to inform me she has reserved Chris and I seats on the front row, whilst I still wont be able to see much if anything the little I will will be clearer than fighting to see over another parents head.  

Simple acts of kindness which mean far more than a blog can say.  If you happen to be a disabled parent and reading this, don’t be afraid to inform your child/rens school what you need from them, they have a duty of care to not only your child but also to you as the parent.  Hold them to account.

Internalised Ableism

Posted on by parentingwithaddedchallenges

Ableism, that thing that as disabled people we seem to only ever think we will experienced from the abled world, when sometimes as I have recently come to realise and accept as a disabled person I too am ableist, but to myself not others.

Perhaps I should expand:  I have lived experience of sight loss to point of being registered blind, I lived experience of Mental Illness (predominantly manifesting itself as Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (cPTSD) BiPolar Disorder, and physically I battle Fibromialgia, Eythromialgia and ME.  For the most part the mental side of things had been stable for just over 13 years until earlier this year

Then throw into the mix I am a solo parent, solo parent of a fierce and independent, headstrong, taking no prisoners soon to be 6 year old,, and the reasoning behind the internalised ableism may begin to get a little clearer? For I have always said to her “you can do anything in this world you set your mind to provided it is within your physical limitations” but yet at the same time mindful their is a lot she does that the majority of small humans her age have no experience let alone comprehension on how to tackle.

A long discussion with a friend whom faces similar physical health battles and him urging me to have my small formally registered as a young carer for all she does now, but will continue to do if not more so as she gets older, and all the additional support she DESERVES from a multitude of places including school and social services.

So I contacted social services, met with a wonderful social worker, admitted just how much Jemima actually does and how whilst on one hand you could say she is a small human and  it is their nature to want to help their big, but on the other she does do far more than is expected. 

if truth be told I was too frightened to admit to myself just how bad my worse days are and just what a blessing she is with all she does.  Probably cos at the back of my mind I am aware there are many disabled people whom are limited far more than I am by their disabilit/ies and I feel guilty taking a service they or those whom care for them could and should benefit from.

A photograph of Jemima and I sharing a chocolate doughnut over Channukah last week (December 2018 – she took the photograph as a selfie)

A Old Rant – Still Valid

Posted on by parentingwithaddedchallenges

I wrote this initially as a rant on facebook but it is still valid now.

Dear parent stood in the school playground,When you see me waiting for my daughter, I am curious to what you see? Do you see the parent who is stood holding a cane to guide their vision, a parent who has lost most of their sight over the past decade, the parent who holds a degree and craves to get back to the Masters level education they were receiving prior to falling pregnant? Do you see a parent who like you has a young small person in school, receiving a education in which they are constantly reminded they can and they will succeed? To ask questions when unsure to gain a better comprehension of the world around?Do you see obstacles in my journey? which you add to by not assisting when out n about, by talking about “that white stick, why does she have it?” questioning all but me?! Does the fact my sight is impaired actually cause you to challenge your own perception of disability in a way that you never actually gave much thought previously?When our children are attending a friends party and I ask you where my daughter is, it is not simply a case of if I wore glasses I would be able to see her, or if my phone was in my bag shed have my attention. Or you pointing and informing me “she is over there”. Wearing glasses wont actually “fix” my vision, if they would has it not occured to you I would have begun to wear them long ago? and as for my phone I actually use it to magnify to aid me so that I have a vague idea of what my daughter is up to, but when I ask you it is because I have assumed you might be in a place where your vision is better than mine and you can use words to describe my daughters actions to me and in turn enable me to see all which she and her peers are doing. Words used by others can and do become my eyes, describe all to me even what may to you be mundane as it is the detail which I adore and lust after which enables me to see and appriciate the detail of every day occurrences which you take for granted. Please don’t simply point as I can not see where you are pointing and as such you are not actually answering my question, but instead you will cause me to ask more from you.My daughter is incredible, at four years young she is able to confidently describe her world, guide me when we walk so “mummy careful their is a bin in your way” so I don’t walk into it, she has the confidence to explain to people “her eyes are a little broken but she is still MY mummy and I love her because she is MY mummy” she is a cheeky girl with a incredible fearless passion for life, she has a enchanting sense of humour which attracts friendships around her, I am proud of her every moment of every day just because she is herself. Yet at the same time she does more than some other children of her age, she knows already how to cook simple things, to place food on a oven tray to pass to me to cook her dinner, how to make a simple sandwhich, what to do to run a bath, where things needed for day to day tasks are, as before we leave the house “have you got your cane, do you need different sunglasses to protect you as the sun is strong”. She knows how to with confidence and assertion answer basic questions about why her mummy is disabled and to answer them in a way which as a adult you are heard to say is “challenging”. But perhaps instead of finding it challenging, have the guts to come to me, talk to me, find out more about me and how my world is, and be a friend not only to my daughter but me as well,and then dear parent in the school playground you will realise I might be blind but their is far more to me than that.