Tag: family

This blog may end up being deleted as it sure as hell is going to be a hard one to write, that is if I hit the “publish” button after I have out poured onto the screen.

My dad and I have always had a challenging relationship to say the least, he is short tempered and lacks patience, doesn’t express emotion towards me unless it is negative and has a guard up the vast majority of the time.

As a teen I can recall being sat in front of my then Psychiatrist, who was a wonderful kind woman but she would regularly despair as had no idea what to suggest to try reach me, to help me, to fix me. But anyways back to that meeting, I was about 13 sat colouring mindlessly as dad was having a rant about he saw no benefit of the family therapy sessions as I was “ignoring” and “daydreaming” “oblivious” to all being said n he was “loosing money” by not being at work, so why were we there in that room when it was surviving no positive purpose?

It is now with reflection a realisation dawned on me today, my dads mum whom whilst was present in my life for 21 years I know very little about, undoubtedly she lived with Holocaust survivors guilt and that resulted in what as a now 36 year old I can see how she saw and viewed and dealt with her world and no doubt reflected on her parenting of you and in turn some of that may have influenced you and how you choose to react to situations and or behaviours and parenting me as a whole. I do not blame you if it did, but a part of me longs for n wishes she had that daddy child relationship many friends had and do have, I crave it, I mourn for it, I need it even now as a adult, I am jealous of those whom have it as it something I have never had just seen others have and haliched for but never had despite my yearning for. And that is a hard and bitter pill to swallow

Fairly recently my brain is fog to when exactly you offered me a lift to the hospital following an episode of self injury, this was incredible, you had never not since my mid teens offered a lift, you sat there with me in the waiting room, you remained calm (I was confused as so unfamiliar with you calm) you just sat n read your kindle passing the odd comment to me, but that time was precious and I am cherishing, yes it was not the most ideal of settings, but it was quality time spent with you that was not confrontational and didn’t result in a argument or raised voices, by sitting their n waiting with me those few hours, you showed me love, you soothed part of me that craves your love, your affection and your care, but rarely had it as a child. Even now a a couple of months on from that it remains with me that you gave a shit to be there and wait with me and didn’t judge me based on my behaviour you just saw your child was injured and required medical assistance and you were able to give the comfort that I needed. Thank you. (yes I am crying and no I am not ashamed of that as I write this paragraph as in my teens when self injury was such a dominant force in my life, my dad would yell, hed scream, hed refuse to acknowledge the pain I was experiencing and the emotions that led to my behaviour instead just regard me as “attention seeking” or “if your gonna try kill yourself try harder” so to have unconditional support now as a adult meant then n even now means far more than I can put into words)

Yes we have our battles, but from now on I will pick them with more care as most are just not worth it..