Therapy

Posted on by parentingwithaddedchallenges

Due to events earlier this year (at the end of May/Start of June) I was raped twice within six days by the same person.   This person had spent nearly four years of his life obtaining my trust, he had relocated from down south to Yorkshire and set up a shop, I love to support and will continue to support independent food retailers instead of throwing money at high street mass supermarkets as love finding gems you can’t  find elsewhere.  Anyways as time passed he obtained a fair bit of information about me and my past, he was aware I am a survivor of past sexual violence and assault, he knew I walked from a marriage due to domestic violence and obtained a fair bit of other information about my past which had led to a then decline in mental wealth and emergence of mental illness.

He also knew I was earlier this year celebrating 13 years clean of self injury, something no one not even myself years ago would have thought was a possibility, but that was the reality THIRTEEN YEARS AND NINE DAYS clean is what I achieved,, I lasted, I refrained, even after all he did when he did what he did I held out a little while, with reflection not sure how but utter grit and determination saw me reach the milestone.

BUT due to his actions and me having a full on breakdown in mid June (2018) resulting in an admission to a psychiatric hospital and subsequent brief “support” and I use that word lightly from the Community Mental Health Trust (CMHT) who have subsequently discharged me for outstaying my welcome, I wasn’t aware of a time limit being on Mental Health but evidently they have one n I failed to reach it so they have once more washed their hands of me.

I fortunately ended up reaching out and finding a private therapist whom specializes in Trauma and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and she is a life line, a voice in the darkness of all of this, but sadly is not without cost, and due to that I had no option but to set up a fundraising page to enable me to pay her as I am a solo parent whom is expected to currently survive on benefits and therapy means going without so much to attempt to reclaim my mental wealth.  If you are able to help me with reclaiming my wealth itd mean a lot link is here

The system is broken, it needs a overhaul, my head is a very unpleasant place to be the vast majority of the time, so much not only mental wealth and abstinence from self injury was stolen by him when he raped me, too many things and causing too many far reaching aspects of my day to day life, that for the most part I feel like I am a small fragment of what I was and had worked so hard to become.

It is hard to ask for help, even harder when so called help gets thrown back in your face time and time again doors are closed, self injury occurs, whilst the physical is stitched and or stapled back together the long term remains a open gaped wound trying to self soothe and heal when life wants to pollute it once more.

Recovery is not going to be easy, but I am trying, some days I succeed just by getting out of bed and facing another human being for a conversation, others I hide and admit defeat, but I will keep trying to get there, to where I was, it is just going to take a long time.

School, Accessibility, Doing It Right!

Posted on by parentingwithaddedchallenges

So often as a parent whom happens to be disabled I read of other parents in a similar situation find their small humans school neglect their needs as a parent, and it makes me experience a host of emotions.  Guilt being the central one when I analyse them, guilt because Jemima’s school have always asked me what as a disabled person I need from them, what they can improve on n what isn’t working.

Her spellings get emailed to me, letters instead of brought home emailed, she has a end of term play/assembly on Wednesday this week coming up (she is a giraffe) and her class teacher has tonight yes on a Saturday at 8.20pm emailed me to inform me she has reserved Chris and I seats on the front row, whilst I still wont be able to see much if anything the little I will will be clearer than fighting to see over another parents head.  

Simple acts of kindness which mean far more than a blog can say.  If you happen to be a disabled parent and reading this, don’t be afraid to inform your child/rens school what you need from them, they have a duty of care to not only your child but also to you as the parent.  Hold them to account.

Internalised Ableism

Posted on by parentingwithaddedchallenges

Ableism, that thing that as disabled people we seem to only ever think we will experienced from the abled world, when sometimes as I have recently come to realise and accept as a disabled person I too am ableist, but to myself not others.

Perhaps I should expand:  I have lived experience of sight loss to point of being registered blind, I lived experience of Mental Illness (predominantly manifesting itself as Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (cPTSD) BiPolar Disorder, and physically I battle Fibromialgia, Eythromialgia and ME.  For the most part the mental side of things had been stable for just over 13 years until earlier this year

Then throw into the mix I am a solo parent, solo parent of a fierce and independent, headstrong, taking no prisoners soon to be 6 year old,, and the reasoning behind the internalised ableism may begin to get a little clearer? For I have always said to her “you can do anything in this world you set your mind to provided it is within your physical limitations” but yet at the same time mindful their is a lot she does that the majority of small humans her age have no experience let alone comprehension on how to tackle.

A long discussion with a friend whom faces similar physical health battles and him urging me to have my small formally registered as a young carer for all she does now, but will continue to do if not more so as she gets older, and all the additional support she DESERVES from a multitude of places including school and social services.

So I contacted social services, met with a wonderful social worker, admitted just how much Jemima actually does and how whilst on one hand you could say she is a small human and  it is their nature to want to help their big, but on the other she does do far more than is expected. 

if truth be told I was too frightened to admit to myself just how bad my worse days are and just what a blessing she is with all she does.  Probably cos at the back of my mind I am aware there are many disabled people whom are limited far more than I am by their disabilit/ies and I feel guilty taking a service they or those whom care for them could and should benefit from.

A photograph of Jemima and I sharing a chocolate doughnut over Channukah last week (December 2018 – she took the photograph as a selfie)

Sight Loss

Posted on by parentingwithaddedchallenges

Like many I was born sighted but a degenerative cornea disorder (Keratoconus – KC) was eventually diagnosed and here is the rest – again a rehashed repost from a past rant I have had but still valid

I often say I am visually impaired living in a sighted world, for I was born sighted and it was only in my 20’s that I became someone who lives with significant sight loss. I know how the world should look but it no longer does for me.

When I received what at the time was the devastating news “you are now legally blind” I grieved, In denial as this can’t be happening, it can’t be happening to me, why me? I was angry, as there was so much which I wanted to see in this world, I found myself barganing with myself if I don’t close my eyes and sleep then I will hold on to the limited sight I have, if I don’t acknowledge it then it isn’t really happening to me? Only it was. Depression crept in and as someone who is no stranger to severe mental ill health I knew this is when I had to reach out to get some help for the new life I was going to embark on, therapy via the RNIB was invaluable as enabled me not to burden friends and family but talk over the phone with a total stranger who had themselves faced a similar challenge in life and she was able to help me focus on what I had and to accept what I had lost. In time I begun to accept the fact I had been very lucky to have such good sight for so long and that yes whilst my future would be someone who is legally the status did not have to define me and like many other facets of my life could be something I could choose to take on head first and try my hardest not to let beat me.

It may have been just as easy to contact LJWB for support, but something stopped me, stopped me for a while and I guess that was stigma and shame. Stigma that I was a young woman in my mid 20’s who was half way through a undergraduate degree and as at times it feels like the whole of LS17 knows each other, what would they say? Would I then be treated different by people I know? What would they say to my family, although logically I knew confidentiality would be kept illogically I felt that I had a neon flashing sign on my head that ironically all could see cept me. Self stigma prevented me as well, for developing sight loss happened to the elderly when glaucoma or cataracts took place, so if I was to make contact would I be shunned due to my age? In time I did contact LJWB who were also incredible and empowered me to know my rights, regain a sense of humour and to adapt to my life as it is now.

Realising I needed to use a long cane was not a easy decision to make, but when I sat down n thought it through sensibly I had to accept in order to be safe it would be a better idea to get a cane and get some cane skills. As it is not as straight forward as get a cane and waves it back n forth and magic happens, even now 7 years on their are times when my stomach is black and blue from where I have misjudged a path or Joe Public has got in the way and boom the cane handle has jabbed me. Especially now I am a parent it is vital to me that when out and about with Mima that the world knows yes I have a small person with me but also I do not have the sight I once had so please take a extra moment to either help me or assist me, don’t shun me, don’t place unnecessary obstacles in my path and please do not pity my small human growing up as my “carer” as she is anything but that role. She is a very head strong, determined, confident, independant, beautiful soul who enlightens my world just by being her, and to put unneccesary burdens on her young shoulders would be unfair of me to do, so please as a member of the public don’t you weigh her down.

If I had a pound for every time I was asked to “speed up traffic lights” as that is apparently what the spinny thing under the press button does, or each time I found chewing gum stuck under them I would be a millionaire by now, but instead I will simply chuckle and inform you the true meaning of the swizzle when you make such a comment to me. (they actually allow people like me to know when it is safe to cross the road)

Living with sight loss to the degree mine is however is not all bad, 2 for 1 at the cinema, music concerts, the theatre (not that I have been to the later in a long time) sport events, gaining some incredible friends who live with similar challenges who I can laugh and joke with about the daft things which have happened is a bonus (you should know whom you are and your friendship is something I cherish dearly)

Please do not ask me “what can’t you see?” as that is negative, instead perhaps ask me “what can you?” as due to my eye conditions it fluctuates daily often throughout the day, please if you see me out with my small human help me to find her if say for example she is at a busy place ie a birthday party, describe things to me, I love detail it might be boring to you, but that is HOW I SEE! Don’t be afraid to talk to me about my sight loss, you can’t catch it! It is ok to have a laugh and joke with me about things, please don’t wrap me in cotton wool and bubble wrap and pat me on the head in a passive aggressive way. Ask me what I need from you. Be a friend and remember it is ok to just treat me as a person. Just do not pity me.

As time evolved and now in December 2018 we are getting on to 8 years down the road from that day when the light so to speak metaphorically went out in my world, I still have days where I just want to remain in bed pull up the covers and ignore the world, yet I owe it to myself to find a way out of bed to face the world and the challenges it brings.

A Old Rant – Still Valid

Posted on by parentingwithaddedchallenges

I wrote this initially as a rant on facebook but it is still valid now.

Dear parent stood in the school playground,When you see me waiting for my daughter, I am curious to what you see? Do you see the parent who is stood holding a cane to guide their vision, a parent who has lost most of their sight over the past decade, the parent who holds a degree and craves to get back to the Masters level education they were receiving prior to falling pregnant? Do you see a parent who like you has a young small person in school, receiving a education in which they are constantly reminded they can and they will succeed? To ask questions when unsure to gain a better comprehension of the world around?Do you see obstacles in my journey? which you add to by not assisting when out n about, by talking about “that white stick, why does she have it?” questioning all but me?! Does the fact my sight is impaired actually cause you to challenge your own perception of disability in a way that you never actually gave much thought previously?When our children are attending a friends party and I ask you where my daughter is, it is not simply a case of if I wore glasses I would be able to see her, or if my phone was in my bag shed have my attention. Or you pointing and informing me “she is over there”. Wearing glasses wont actually “fix” my vision, if they would has it not occured to you I would have begun to wear them long ago? and as for my phone I actually use it to magnify to aid me so that I have a vague idea of what my daughter is up to, but when I ask you it is because I have assumed you might be in a place where your vision is better than mine and you can use words to describe my daughters actions to me and in turn enable me to see all which she and her peers are doing. Words used by others can and do become my eyes, describe all to me even what may to you be mundane as it is the detail which I adore and lust after which enables me to see and appriciate the detail of every day occurrences which you take for granted. Please don’t simply point as I can not see where you are pointing and as such you are not actually answering my question, but instead you will cause me to ask more from you.My daughter is incredible, at four years young she is able to confidently describe her world, guide me when we walk so “mummy careful their is a bin in your way” so I don’t walk into it, she has the confidence to explain to people “her eyes are a little broken but she is still MY mummy and I love her because she is MY mummy” she is a cheeky girl with a incredible fearless passion for life, she has a enchanting sense of humour which attracts friendships around her, I am proud of her every moment of every day just because she is herself. Yet at the same time she does more than some other children of her age, she knows already how to cook simple things, to place food on a oven tray to pass to me to cook her dinner, how to make a simple sandwhich, what to do to run a bath, where things needed for day to day tasks are, as before we leave the house “have you got your cane, do you need different sunglasses to protect you as the sun is strong”. She knows how to with confidence and assertion answer basic questions about why her mummy is disabled and to answer them in a way which as a adult you are heard to say is “challenging”. But perhaps instead of finding it challenging, have the guts to come to me, talk to me, find out more about me and how my world is, and be a friend not only to my daughter but me as well,and then dear parent in the school playground you will realise I might be blind but their is far more to me than that.

Self Care

Posted on by parentingwithaddedchallenges

Let me give some context as all we seem to hear is “self care this” or “self care that”.

Earlier this year I was raped twice in six days by the same animal, whom was once a friend of mine, who in effect spent nearly 4 years obtaining deep personal information about me, about my past, acknowledging and validating my past lived experience of both mental distress but also deep trauma. Anyways I actually reported the two rapes to the police, like ya know they say you should and the whole #MeToo movement has galvanised the world to sit up and give a voice to what many let go unspoken, unreported and list goes on.

Last week the police came out to see me, they have concluded due to lack of witnesses and CCTV, despite having forensics, and statements, copies of text messages this bastard sent me they can’t take the case forward.  This for obvious reasons has left me rather fed up of the system and rather broken. and the result being my mental health has yet again had a knock.

anyways back to Self Care n this particular blog.

I am my own worse enemy in a ot of ways I know what advice to give others in a similar situation whom experience similar emotions to me but applying to myself possibly due to internalised abilism fails to occur to instead I just mull it over and self blame.

Today I opted to be proactive.

I baked 2 dozen blueberry and banana cupcakes.  Might not sound much but it helped a little to do something small (and tasty)

The recipe was a simple one:

2 eggs, 200g plain flour, 2 bananas smashed up, 200g butter, 1 teaspoon baking powder, 200g caster sugar (and I added in a cup worth of frozen blueberries)

Mix up the sugar and butter, add in the flour and baking powder and then add the fruit, then simply put in cupcake cases and bake for 30 minutes at 190′.

The house smells fantastic and Jemima and Chris will enjoy them and it took a hour away from my head and toxic negative thoughts due to having to concentrate on what I was doing and focus.

EDIT: Jemima has just got home from school and already demolished two, they must taste good!



Featured

A Introduction

Posted on by parentingwithaddedchallenges

Parenting is far from easy, this much is fact.  But then you add in complications.  That said I guess I will start at the beginning so you have a rough idea whom I am, my family is, n why this blog has come to me.

May 2012, yes that long ago I did a pregnancy test, I remember it vividly sat in the bathroom of a high street department store, peeing on a stick, and then waiting, the wait that appeared to take an eternity, whilst not the most glamorous of settings it served its intended purpose BUT their was a issue, I am legally blind, have been since March 2010.  I couldn’t see a line let alone two on said test, so ended up Whatsapping a photo of said test to a friend who knows whom she is and asking her what she could see!  The outcome being those 2 lines are now a human called Jemima who will be 6 years young in January.

That is the crux: now to the more complex aspects of why I have opted to set up a blog.

I am many things yet nothing, I am someone yet something, I live with and deal with a lot, far more than many actually could or try to comprehend and that impacts on every element of my being.

I am a solo parent, all be it dating an incredible human called Chris.  

I am a human of lived experience, which includes but doesn’t just include as to list all would bore you to tears n pain my hands to type:

Bipolar Disorder

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Fibromialgia

ME

and have I mentioned I am blind. 

Alongside all this I also happen to be Gender Fluid, Pansexual and Jewish.

Whilst this blog will cover a lot including my day to day life, it may also let you the reader into darker aspects of my being, as earlier this year I was raped twice in 6 days by someone whom was at the time a friend, his actions resulted in me loosing my Mental Wealth and ending up in a dark hole of Mental Illness once more.  I am now left failed by the system as have had the police tell me due too lack of witnesses and or CCTV they can’t take the case Luther, no support from the Community Mental Health Trust ie NHS I am having to self fund private Trauma Therapy – if you  can spare anything itd mean a lot
https://www.gofundme.com/continuing-mental-wealth

So settle down, take a seat, and come on a journey as I attempt to process my head via the medium of blogging

Chris holding Jemima and then me next to them taken at The Deep during October 2018 Half Term