Therapy

Due to events earlier this year (at the end of May/Start of June) I was raped twice within six days by the same person.   This person had spent nearly four years of his life obtaining my trust, he had relocated from down south to Yorkshire and set up a shop, I love to support and will continue to support independent food retailers instead of throwing money at high street mass supermarkets as love finding gems you can’t  find elsewhere.  Anyways as time passed he obtained a fair bit of information about me and my past, he was aware I am a survivor of past sexual violence and assault, he knew I walked from a marriage due to domestic violence and obtained a fair bit of other information about my past which had led to a then decline in mental wealth and emergence of mental illness.

He also knew I was earlier this year celebrating 13 years clean of self injury, something no one not even myself years ago would have thought was a possibility, but that was the reality THIRTEEN YEARS AND NINE DAYS clean is what I achieved,, I lasted, I refrained, even after all he did when he did what he did I held out a little while, with reflection not sure how but utter grit and determination saw me reach the milestone.

BUT due to his actions and me having a full on breakdown in mid June (2018) resulting in an admission to a psychiatric hospital and subsequent brief “support” and I use that word lightly from the Community Mental Health Trust (CMHT) who have subsequently discharged me for outstaying my welcome, I wasn’t aware of a time limit being on Mental Health but evidently they have one n I failed to reach it so they have once more washed their hands of me.

I fortunately ended up reaching out and finding a private therapist whom specializes in Trauma and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and she is a life line, a voice in the darkness of all of this, but sadly is not without cost, and due to that I had no option but to set up a fundraising page to enable me to pay her as I am a solo parent whom is expected to currently survive on benefits and therapy means going without so much to attempt to reclaim my mental wealth.  If you are able to help me with reclaiming my wealth itd mean a lot link is here

The system is broken, it needs a overhaul, my head is a very unpleasant place to be the vast majority of the time, so much not only mental wealth and abstinence from self injury was stolen by him when he raped me, too many things and causing too many far reaching aspects of my day to day life, that for the most part I feel like I am a small fragment of what I was and had worked so hard to become.

It is hard to ask for help, even harder when so called help gets thrown back in your face time and time again doors are closed, self injury occurs, whilst the physical is stitched and or stapled back together the long term remains a open gaped wound trying to self soothe and heal when life wants to pollute it once more.

Recovery is not going to be easy, but I am trying, some days I succeed just by getting out of bed and facing another human being for a conversation, others I hide and admit defeat, but I will keep trying to get there, to where I was, it is just going to take a long time.