Well That Was Not To Be

So, yeah um that was shit. Actually shit has a purpose n that wasn’t.

Went to view a 2 bed ground floor flat, except yeah it smelt like damp, and someone had died in it was vile! mould but no idea where from. Needs flooring, needs a modernisation to kitchen and bathroom urgently, both bedrooms and living room are vastly smaller than here, BUT it has a garden.

I am not safe here, am yet to spend a night here along with Mima haven’t since the end of May n as it is my anxiety is sky high as Chris has to work nights tomoro (tues, wed n thurs) this week n I only found out today, so dread is filling me already.

Why is renting in LS17 unachievable privately and in turn am penalised due to being long term disabled n thus have to rely on benefits to pay rent, which most non housing association properties wont accept, not to mention the lack of housing association properties available in LS17 that are fit to purpose for our needs. Yet another reminder that I feel like I have failed, yes I did the stereotypical things of get married (And divorced) got a degree, had a child but now I have the child, I have the degree, yes I have a fit for purpose roof over my head with ample space but not a roof that makes me feel safe

Id love to just up and move somewhere new start afresh, total clean state BUT Jemima is happy, she has friends (although cept a select few playdates are rare) she is in a good school at which she is thriving in all areas

To think a year ago if ud told me how severe and enduring my mental ill health would be and it would return with such a bang id have thought you were the crazy one not me, is another reminder that it is in 4 months time a year since this nightmare begun and yet he still has the power and control, due to negligence n mass failings from the system letting me down.

Anger isn’t right for how I feel, nor is abandoned, nor is upset, nor is hurt, overwhelmed engulfed, trapped, caged, freedom and liberty removed, merely functioning but putting a smile on my face as that is what is expected of me as a parent, when in reality I need to curl up be held and cry,

I need ground floor, I need it for my health long term, but I need space for a child who is soon to be 6 and only going to get bigger not smaller.

Thanks Mel for coming with n dealing with the elephant in the room with me. x

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Author:

A parent whom happens to be gender fluid, pansexual, a survivor and lives with multiple disabilities

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